Ref. 214066960 | 2021-06-25 19:38:42
Town: London | Country: United Kingdom
Desccription: The lift stops between floors. The attractive person with whom you are now trapped until maintenance arrives asks, “So, what do you do?”
You say, “I’m a Microsoft Ecosystem DevOps Lead.”
What’s that sound? Why, it’s the attractive person beating their fists raw on the emergency hatch (which, fun fact, is locked from the outside).
Here’s our handy guide to social interaction when you get this job (which is at a fast-growing startup in London and pays £75,000 – which is nowhere near what Kevin de Bruyne earns every week, but then he’s one of Europe’s best midfielders and you’re not) (unless you are, in which case stop reading this and apply to Man City instead).
Don’t say: “I’m a Microsoft Ecosystem DevOps Lead.”
Do say: “I’m in software.” (Sounds cooler and will make them think they know what you do.)
Don’t say: “I'm heavily involved with PaaS and FaaS.”
Do say: “I run things.” (Sounds cooler and has the advantage of being sort of true.)
Don’t say: “I execute TechOps plans.”
Do say: “The last public execution in Britain was in 1868.” (Careful with this one – talk of execution can fall flat when trapped in a lift.)
Don’t say: “I identify defects in our infrastructure planning.”
Do say: “Talking of defects, do you remember those toy ovens that they had to recall a million of?” (Selling toy ovens that /actually heat up/ = not necessarily a brilliant idea.)
Don’t say: “I carry out regression-testing after code and infrastructure changes.”
Do say: “Talking of regression, Barry from EastEnders was a knight in the fourteenth century.”
Don’t say: “I play with VPCs, VLANs, VPNs and proxies.”
Do say: “I’m basically Winston Wolfe.”
Don’t say: “I weigh up the balance between a zero-day hotfix and a longer term patch assessment.”
Do say: “Are you in the support team? I love you guys.”
Don’t say: “I leverage my expertise to ensure server-based deployments are robust and manageable.”
Do say: “Are you a test manager? I love you guys.”
Don’t say: “I have a strong understanding of the SDLC and Agile methodologies.”
Do say: “I’m pretty agile. If that hatch wasn’t locked from the outside, I could get us out of here.”
Don’t say: “I explore and understand highly complex software systems.”
Do say: “I finished Elder Scrolls Skyrim!” (Judge your audience before this one.)
Don’t say: “I have a firm understanding of black-box testing.”
Do say: “Fun fact, black boxes in planes aren’t black. And aren’t boxes.”
Don’t say: “I have a firm grasp of spoken and written English.”
Do say: “Yeah I do a bit of writing, but mostly I like to work with rescue animals.”
Don’t say: “I have experience of software products especially with web-based applications.”
Do say: “We could really use Spider-Man right now.”
Don’t say: “I have experience of at least one defect-tracking system.”
Also don’t say: “Let me look up how to get out of here on my Galaxy Note 7.”
Do say: actually, do you know what, if you can say that, say it.
Don’t say: “I have grey-box testing experience.”
Do say: “They need to get us out of this grey box.”
Don’t say: “I have a strong understanding of programming languages, especially C# .NET Core and Angular."
Do say: “Let’s hit all the buttons and see if anything works.”
Don’t say: “I’m familiar with bug tracking software.”
Do say: “Oh great, now there’s a bug in here too. What is this, The Fly?”
Don’t say: “I have a fair understanding of web technologies.”
Do say: “You’re very understanding. Would you like to grab coffee when we’re out of here?”
Smooth, huh? And if you send us a CV with a covering letter that convinces us you’ve actually read all of the above, we’ll do our best to keep our lifts in order
Salary Type: Annum
To apply for this job please visit www.cv-library.co.uk.
Rogerio da Silva is a Brazilian who lives in the UK for a little over two decades. He is the owner of a test consulting and outsources services for software development. He likes to blog, write and create content that teaches others how to live a better life. Rogerio has two princesses and one powerful wife that help him with his work.
He loves reading biographies of successful authors and dream builders because they inspire him to keep creating!